The 300-day Misadventure of President Nicole Shanahan

PROMPT: Narrate a humorous story in the style of Mark Twain about a third-party candidate being elected President in 2024.

’Twas a presidential election the likes of which this great nation had never before witnessed. The Republican nominee, a man whose moral fiber was as stout as a rotten piece of driftwood, found himself behind bars on charges of defrauding election laws by concealing hush money payments to a porn star. The Democratic candidate, an upstanding citizen whose only vice was an unhealthy addiction to root beer floats, tragically suffered a heart attack after consuming one too many of those sugary concoctions.

With both front-runners out of the race, the American public was left scratching their heads like a troupe of lice-ridden apes. Who could possibly fill the clown-sized shoes of the presidency? The answer came in the form of Robert F. Kennedy, Jr, a third-party candidate whose highest achievement was an award for yachting attire but whose name recognition polled somewhere in the lower troposphere.

On inauguration day, the newly-minted President took the oath of office with all the pomp and circumstance of a county fair opening. As he placed his hand on the Bible, a hush fell over the crowd, broken only by…